Alex Rider, Harry Potter, Power of FiveFunnies!
by MadCatta
Summary: This is a collection of 'funnies' about the unlikely event that these books either mate, or fall into nuclear waste and instead of disintegrating, mould together to mix them up... It's a humorous thingy, so characters will be somewhat OOC... Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello. Just fancied touching this up a bit. Slight edits, but only like, dusting it, as it were - any grammatical errors, any really immature author notes...**

**So, this is What would happen if Alex Rider (and his 'crew') met up with Harry Potter (and his 'crew) and the Power of Five crew. Not very serious. Not at all. **

**I own nothing. Please read and enjoy.**

* * *

[Harry Potter and Co meet Power of Five]

Harry: Er… Hi.

[Matt, Pedro, Scott, Jamie and Scarlett look at Harry, Ron and Hermione. Harry, Ron and Hermione have wands out.]

Scarlett [to Matt]: They have sticks…

Matt: I noticed…

Scott: They gunna poke our eyes out?

Jamie: Or they could give us splinters…

Matt [to Harry, Ron, Hermione]: What the hell?

Ron: Hi.

Matt: Hi.

Jamie: Well, this was fun…

* * *

[Harry, Ron and Hermione and Power of Five meet Alex Rider and Tom]:

Ron: Did I just hear something outside?

[Goes to check]

[Is knocked unconscious.]

Alex: Don't point that stick at me.

Tom: He was going to take you on with a stick?

[Both notice Harry and Hermione and Power of Five]

Alex: Hello. [Points to Ron] Friend of yours?

Harry: You could say that…

* * *

[The 'Baddies' of the series meet]:

[Scorpia guy is looking at Chaos, looking at Voldy, looking the Scorpia guy. Each is unaware of the one looking at them.]

[SG (Scorpia Guy) sneezes.]

[All look at him.]

[Cheesy grin.]

[Voldy and Chaos sigh]

Voldy: You looking for anyone?

SG: Yeah... You haven't seen a teenage boy, short, blond with a brown haired sidekick type guy and a pretty brunette girl?

Chaos: No, dreadfully sorry but I haven't.

Voldy: While we're o the subject of looking for people…Neither of you has seen 3 teenagers, one black haired with a lightning scar, redhead, and a bushy haired brunette with wands have you?

SG: Sorry, mate. Haven't seen them. [To Chaos] You trying to find someone?

Chaos: Yes actually. Have you seen a black haired- Have you seen any teenagers at all?

Voldy: No

SG: Nope.

Chaos. Damn.

Voldy: It's a pisser when you just can't find them, isn't it?

Chaos: Too true.

SG: Hey, I know a fantastic coffee place near here. Cheer us all right up.

[They turn the corner and see Starbucks.]

Voldy: I've always loved Starbucks.

* * *

[The 'responsible' adults of the various series]:

[The Five, Alex, Tom, and Harry, Ron and Hermione fighting Voldy, Chaos and Scorpia]

Richard: You know, there's something to be said about computer violence. At least they don't really die.

Jack: You'd rather have them pretend killing strangers for fun?

[Richard sees Matt nearly shot]

Richard: I could live with that.

* * *

**Love it if you reviewed, **

**Until the next, **

**Cait **

**x**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter! And if you have an idea and want me to attempt it, pm and I'll see what I can do!**

**Disclaimer: Own nuffin'.**

* * *

[The Five, Alex and Tom, and Harry, Ron and Hermione in a cell]:

Alex: Damn. Of course they had to take all my gadgets.

Ron: And our wands.

Harry: And anything else of use.

[The Five smile]

Tom: Why are you guys smiling?

[Raincloud forms in cell]

Alex: Thanks for that. We all know that the wet will just make this cold cell even colder, and what do you do? Make rain.

Scarlett: Better than what you can do.

Alex: Oh yeah?

[Alex punches the wall]

[Giant cracking noise]

[Alex's wrist is bent backwards]

Alex: Oh, shit...

* * *

Harry: I defeated the darkest wizard ever when I was one!

Alex: Yeah well I saved the world like five times!

Matt: With a bunch of gadgets.

Alex: So? You _might_ save the world, with four other people!

Jamie: Yeah but us four are pretty damn awesome.

Pedro: Uhuh.

Ron: Five is a crap number. Three is the best.

Alex: I still beat all of you! There is only one of me!

Scott: We have cool powers.

Ron: And we have cool wands.

Alex: I have a cool stun gun thumb.

[Pokes Ron with thumb]

[Ron faints]

[Hermione and Harry advance on Alex]

Alex: Oh boy. Bad idea. I'm going to go now…

* * *

Scarlett: You know the worst part of the Five? I am the only girl.

Hermione: I know what you mean.

Sabina: I don't mind it so much… Alex is pretty hot.

Hermione: I'd say the same about Harry but…

Scarlett: Yeah, I get what you mean. Besides, I bet any of the Five will be way too mature for this sort of thing.

Sabina: I dunno… You could get a fivesome…

Scarlett: …

Hermione: …

Scarlett: Eww.

Sabina: They aren't that bad looking.

Hermione: …

Scarlett: … Still eww.

* * *

[Harry, Ron and Hermione, and the Five, watch Alex beating up some bad guy]:

Scott: He shows off a bit.

Jamie: Yeah… Does he really need to make it so dramatic?

Ron: And can't he just collapse already? He's showing us up!

Matt: We should really do something to make him slip up.

[Harry raises wand]

Harry: Literally? Slipenius Upindem.

[Alex falls over]

[Bullet flies where Alex's head was]

Matt: Damn.

Scott: Show off.

* * *

[Various people with Jerry too… going BASE jumping]:

Jerry: So make sure you don't open the chute too early, or you'll die.

Ron: So you're here to reassure us then?

[Jamie looks over cliff edge]

Jamie: Hey Matt, you think when I jump you could keep me from dying?

Scott: What he said.

Matt: I'm gunna die, aren't I?

Jerry: It's a possibility. Who wants to go first?

Jamie: Go, Pedro, go!

[Pedro goes]

Jamie: … Woops.

[All look over edge]

Harry: Why don't we keep this for another day?

* * *

**Hehe that was so bad it's funny… and for some reason Alex ends a lot of these… ahh well. You like my spells? (Yeah, truly awful but like I care…)**

**So please tell me what you think.**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's s'more. I own zilch, as always. **

**Ok, these are courtesy from my friends at school. Well… random people who said the stuff and didn't notice I was listening. Well only the first 2 are.**

* * *

[Alex and SAS man]:

[SAS man wears camouflage]

SAS man: Right, Rider. I'm special officer Mallone and-

Alex: Who said that?

* * *

[Jack amongst SAS men]

[Jack sees very hot guy]

Jack: Hey, want to come back to my office?

Hot guy: …You don't have an office.

Jack: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Hot guy: …but you don't….

Jack: How would you know?

Hot Guy: This is the SAS training camp… you don't get offices here…

Jack: …

Hot guy: …

Jack: …

Hot guy: …

Jack: … I'm gunna go…

* * *

Jamie: So this is Alicia. And Danny, her son.

Danny: Hey.

Alicia: Hi, great to meet you guys.

Jack: Woo! Americans! I just love America. England is nothing compared to it.

Alicia: I know!

Jack: High Five!

[HighFives]

Alicia: So…

Jack: Want some tea?

Alicia: Love some!

* * *

Jack: You ever get worried that the fate of the world rests in the hands of various teenagers?

Richard: I do, I really do.

Jack: Especially seeing as Alex hasn't yet done the teenage rebellion; imagine him waking up one morning and coming face to face with a crazed pyromaniac who wants to burn the whole world up and Alex just tells him to piss off.

Richard: I was more thinking of the Five and their rebellion… objects flying everywhere, people doing crazy things, tornadoes in England and blizzards in Spain, people being healed…or not being healed….

Jack: Pretty much a lot of chaos.

Richard: Oh, forgot about him. Yeah he'll be loving it.

Jack: …

Jack: I meant as in chaos the _word._

Richard: …

Richard: Well that too…

* * *

Richard: Hey, Pedro, how can you abuse your power?

Pedro: Huh?

Jack: Yeah, you know Matt can send everything flying, the twins can make people do whatever they want them too, Scarlett can make freak weather happen, but what about you?

Pedro: …

Matt: 'Cause that's the point of the powers…

Jack: It's no fun if you can't abuse it.

Jamie: Right… 'cause these powers were given to us because we didn't get enough _fun_…

Alex: Oh yeah. They were given to you _Five _because you couldn't defeat a monkey, hummingbird, spider and a couple of other things by yourselves.

Matt: …

Jamie: …

Scott: …

Pedro: …

Scar: …

Scott: They are a bit bigger than the normal ones…

Scar: Uhuh, I'd like to see you drown the spider.

Alex: Give me a massive bath then sure thing.

Jack: You'd need a _huge _plughole.

[Everyone looks at her]

Jack: What? You would.

* * *

Ginny: You know Voldemort?

Ron: No, Ginny, of course we don't.

Ginny: …

Ginny: What does it mean?

Harry: …

Ron: …

Ron: It's a name…

Hermione: If I am correct, it's French, meaning literally 'Flight from death'.

Harry: _Flight from death_? Bit pretentious, saying he's 'above' death.

Ginny: Totally.

Ron: Thinks very highly of himself, huh.

Hermione: Well he does have good reason to…

Ron: But still… getting people to call him Flight from Death…

Harry: ...Isn't that the point of the name?

Ron: …

Ron: Still conceited...

* * *

Ron: What would happen if Jamie died?

Scott: He'd get buried.

Jamie: …

Scar: They'll be a funeral at some point.

Ginny: We could have it black themed…Black flowers, dark chocolate brownies, black forest gateau…

Scar: I'll pick perfect music.

Matt: We wouldn't have to have suits would we?

Ginny: Nah, just black clothes. I could help you pick some cool ones.

Jamie: I hate to rain on your parade…or funeral plan… but I am still alive.

Ginny: Oh, yeah.

Scar: Shame.

Jamie: Sheesh… thanks guys…so no one would miss me?

Scott *ruffles hair*: I'm sure if I tried hard I could miss you.

Jamie: …

Jamie: Thanks Scott. I can feel the love.

Ron: … I didn't mean it like that….

Jamie: So you'd miss me?

Ron: Um…sure… whatever… I was more talking about the Five being four…

Matt: I think the answer is we'd be stuffed.

Ron: Oh.

Ginny: That sucks.

Matt: …

Matt: It more than sucks. You do realise the world would be run by Chaos and the various Old Ones.

Ginny: Bummer.

Harry: Jamie, you think you could stay alive until Chaos is defeated?

Jamie: Jeez Harry, that's a tough one. Tell you what, just for you I'll stay alive for as long as possible.

Ginny: Oh no, you can stay alive for yourself too. Death is no fun.

Jamie: …

Matt: Who vote we move off this topic?

[All hands up]

* * *

Tom: Alex, you know the word _poubelle_?

Alex: As in bin? Yes I do.

Tom: it's a funny word.

Alex: …

Alex: Right…

Tom: Well it is! _Belle_ means pretty, so its pretty-poo!

Alex: …

Alex: Tom, how old are you?

Tom: Jerry thinks I must be six. It got increased last year 'cause he lost the train ticket and I found them in his own pocket.

Alex: …

Alex: You stole them and put them there?

Tom: Possibly.

Alex: …

Alex: Minus two years because of this conversation.

Tom: I liked four. I ate a whole birthday cake and threw up in Jerry's shoe. And told him it was the dog.

Alex: …

Alex: Why a shoe?

Tom: My mum bought him shoes and not me.

Alex: …

Alex: I really worry about you sometimes.

* * *

**Review, you lovely people?**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yes, there is more! (Seriously, I am very open to suggestions of scenarios)**

**Disclaimer: Oh right, I wrote the first Alex Rider when I was 6, Raven's Gate at 11, and Harry Potter when I was 3.**

(With thanks to Arrow for the inspiration for the first)

* * *

[The Five…in a nursing home. They're old now.]:

Jamie: So… Who's up for a wheelchair race?

[Scar wins]

Matt: You've got the wind on your side.

Scott: We're inside…

Scar: Why didn't you jam our wheels?

Matt: …I'm nice.

Jamie: Or it's because every minute another brain cell dies…

Matt: …

Matt: Shut the hell up.

Scott: See? You heard that delay…

Scar: Beg pardon?

Pedro: Turn up the hearing aid…

Scar: …

Jamie: Matt's not the only one losing brain cells…

Pedro: You can't talk. Last night you yelled out 'Bingo' after 5 numbers.

Jamie: …

Jamie: Bingo bores me. I wanted it over.

Scar: Jamie, you blew off your granddaughter for bingo.

Jamie: …

Jamie: Who's sad enough to remember that?

Scar: Jamie you're just jealous because I have a memory, you don't.

Jamie: …

Jamie: I saved your butts ten thousand years ago.

Scar: What was that?

* * *

Matt: Now these sunglasses, only £4.99, are quite good.

Pedro: Very comfortable, too.

Matt: Uhuh. So I might get them. Or that red pair.

[Matt points behind Pedro]

Pedro: Ahh, yes, this pair is very nice.

Jamie: Hey guys, we could really use your help.

Scott: If you haven't notices we've been fighting the Old Ones for about 46 minutes now…

Scar: Yeah guys! Don't leave us all the hard –OOOHH! Gucci sunglasses on sale!

Jamie: …

Scott: …

Scott: Guess it's just you and me then…

* * *

[Matt dying]

Jamie: Look on the bright side; you managed to defeat the Old Ones before you died.

Matt: Ahh, right. I defeat the Old Ones when I'm sixteen only to be killed by crossing the road before I'm eighteen. The one time Pedro is not here.

Jamie: Yeah, that wasn't what I meant… That didn't cheer you up at all.

Matt: I'm dying. How can you make me happy?

Scar: You don't want to know.

Matt: …

Jamie: …

Scott: …

Matt: Yeah, thanks for that, Scarl.

Scar: No problem.

Matt: …

Scott: Why did you have to say that? I'm getting horrible, wrong images.

[All look at Jamie.]

Jamie: What? It's not like I'm sending them or anything.

Scar: Oh yeah… Sure, Jamie.

Jamie: …

Jamie [to Scott]: Why aren't you backing me up?

Scott: Trying to abolish the images.

Matt: Can we get back to my deathbed?

Jamie: Jeez Matt… A simple crash and suddenly it's all about you.

Matt: Fine. Go. All of you go. I don't want you here if you don't want to be here.

[All save Matt exit.]

Matt: I didn't mean it… Why must you leave me all alone?

* * *

[Alex on the phone]:

Alex: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with my doctor, please.

Secretary: OK, now what is exactly wrong with you?

Alex: …

Alex: Some would argue a lot…

Secretary: …

Secretary: What is your condition?

Alex: How should I know? Isn't that the doctors job?

Secretary: Well then, I'm very sorry but unless it's urgent, we can't see you until Friday. I can make an appointment at 10 o' clock, is that ok?

Alex: How the fuck should I know if it's urgent? What if I'm dead by 9:30?

Secretary: Um.. Well… Are you dying?

Alex: As far as I can tell no…

Secretary: Are you dangerously ill?

Alex: I DON'T BLOODY KNOW!

Secretary: Is it an infection?

[Alex slams phone down]

Alex: Bloody NHS.

* * *

Scar: Just shut up and admit that I'm right!

Hermione: But you aren't!

Scar: Yes I am!

Hermione: Shove it! I'm right and you aren't!

Scar: Bite me.

Hermione: No I won't!

Scar: I can prove I'm right.

Hermione: Oh yeah?

Scar: Ask the twins.

Hermione: Give me a mirror! Much better way!

Scar: SCOTT! JAMIE! Get you're arses over here!

Jamie: Charming way to put it.

Hermione: I need you.

Jamie: That's what she said.

Scar: …

Hermione: …

Scott: …

Hermione: Anyway…

Scott: Yes?

Scar: We need you to-

Hermione: -Get a mirror.

Scott: …

Jamie: …

Scott: Let's go…

Scar: What? We don't need a mirror! Scott, Jamie, one of us is lying and you guys gotta work out who.

Scott: …

Jamie: …

Hermione: This top makes me look fat.

Scar: It doesn't.

Scott: …

Jamie: …

* * *

**Do review. I don't bite. **

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Right. An overdue thanks to FoonyBoony and Bingo and (me lovely first reviewer) NotApplicable. **

**And it is bloody hard to think up an idea for each scene… really open to suggestions. I'd beg but I have my pride. **

**Now the last one is based upon an idea given by awsomekiwihere1213, who I thank very muchly xD. Now, isn't that a good example of giving ideas?**

**Disclaimer: Why in the world would either AH or JK give themselves the nickname MadCatta?**

* * *

Harry: I think you should all remember that wands beat guns _and_ powers.

Matt: No way. We can use our powers and do cool stuff without a stupid stick.

Harry: _Stupid stick?_ This stick has saved many lives.

Hermione: It really has! He stuck it up a troll's nose and saved my life.

Matt: …

Alex: …

Jamie: …

Scott: And you still have that thing?

*pause*

*Harry puts down wand*

Jamie: Eww.

*Harry blushes*

Harry: …I have cleaned it since then…

Jamie: Still eww.

Hermione: _Scourgify! _There we are. All clean. See how useful wands are?

*Wood polish, soap, water, sponge and cloth move towards Matt*

Matt: So hard.

Scott: And powers beat guns too.

Alex: Oh yeah?

*Alex gets out massive gun*

Alex: Check this thing out!

Scott *to Jamie*: D'you think he's compensating for something?

* * *

Ron: I think You-Know-Who is a genius.

Harry: He's an evil psychotic great-wizard-gone-bad!

Ron: Yeah, but he's managed to make the whole world crazy and paranoid.

Hermione: No he hasn't!

Ron: Yeah he has! Swine flu? Come on, that's gotta be him!

Harry: …

Hermione: …

Harry: Well, he _is_ a pig…

Hermione: …

* * *

*Scarlett knocks over vase*

Scarlett: Woops…

*Harry gets out wand*

Jamie: Eww! Bogey wand!

Harry: …

Harry: Grow up.

Jamie: It had _bogies_ on it!

Harry *to Matt*: You're saving the world with him.

Matt: No I'm not. Besides, it's Scott I feel sorry for. He shares thoughts with Jamie.

Scott: Yes, I've lasted fifteen long years.

Matt: I've got new-found respect for you.

Jamie *totally oblivious*: That's gross.

Harry: …

Harry: You're gross.

Jamie: …

Jamie: Get bent.

*Harry bends over*

Jamie: Woops…

Scott: Wait, shouldn't Harry be turning gay or something?

Ron: I think he was too far gone anyway.

Harry: …

* * *

Alicia: I really think we should be doing more to help the kids.

Jack: You're new to this. You gotta let them get on with it.

Sirius: Uhuh. You meddle and you die. Take it from someone who knows.

Richard: The best we can do is moral support. And pretend we're useful. You've just got to understand that the kids would be perfectly fine without you.

Jack: I like to think Alex wouldn't be so happy if it weren't for me.

Richard: Don't we all?

Sirius: I'd quite like Harry to die soon.

Jack: …

Richard: …

Alicia: …

Sirius: …Oh… That came out wrong…

Jack: …

Richard: …

Alicia: You want your godson to die soon?

Sirius: No… I just meant that, you know, as soon as I'm not around he dies… show I'm useful…

Richard: …

Alicia: …

Jack: …

* * *

Alex: I have to beat evil maniacs to save the world! And you'd think there were only a limited number of evil psychopaths, but no, one dies and another three turn up!

Harry: I have one who's near enough immortal!

Matt: Excuse me? The oldest and worst evil the world has ever known!

Alex: What? Chaos and his army of flies?

Matt: …

Jamie: …

Pedro: I don't like flies…

Scarlett: …

Scott: …

Scarlett: Have you seen these flies? Dude, they're beasts!

Hermione: Actually, they're _bugs_...

Scarlett: …

Scarlett: Oh go read a book!

Hermione: I will, actually.

Matt: …

* * *

Matt: Want to get £10?

Jamie: Make it $20 then sure.

Matt: It's a competition.

Scott: …Go on…

Matt: Whoever makes someone do the best movement _without being caught_ wins.

Jamie: …

Scott: …

Scott: Oh you're on.

Jamie: Bring it on!

[...]

[It's a Weasley dinner]

*Ron's hand raises*

*All stare*

Ron: What the hell?

Harry: You know school is over, right?

Ron: …It won't go down!

Fred: You know, I remember when I had to say that for the first time. There was this really hot girl and her top button was undone and-

Bill: Not really the best dinner topic…

Ginny: Who votes moving on?

*All arms raise*

Ginny: Ron, seriously arm down now. I can smell your BO from over here!

*Ron blushes*

*Hand falls onto food*

Ron: Hey! My dinner!

Scott *to Matt*: Pathetic…

Matt: …

[...]

[Clearing up dinner]

*Ron drops plate*

Molly: Ron! Be more careful!

Ron: Sorry.

Fred: Yeah RON.

Molly: You can't say a word. The amount of plates you and Fred and ruined…

Fred: Mum, I _am_ Fred.

Molly: George then.

George: Someone say my name?

*Ron walks into George*

*Ron lands on top of George*

George: Jeez Ron, watch where you're going! And lose some weight, you're really heavy!

Ron: Oh sorry… And shut up!

Fred: You are a little bit tubby, Ron.

Ron: Get lost!

Matt *to Scott*: This you or Jamie?

Scott: Jamie.

Matt: Oh.

Scott: Hey, better than yours.

Matt: …

*Ron walks into door*

Ron: Oww!

Hermione: Ron, you have a nosebleed.

Ron: Oh, hell!

Jamie: *to Matt and Scott*: How was that?

Scott: Not awful…

Matt: Maybe not worth the money…

Jamie: Aww.

[...]

Ron: Hey Scarl, I like you in that top.

*Scarlett blushes*

Ron: Yeah, looks really good.

Scarlett: Umm… Thanks?

George: Best be careful Scarlett – you know what he was like with Lovender.

Fred: Ahh Won-Won and Lav-Lav.

George: …You just made it sound like Ronnie went out with a toilet…

Fred: …Well, I wasn't far off…

Ron: Hey!

George: Yes Won-Won?

Ron: Don't call me that… And Lovender- LAVENDER was really nice.

Fred: Sure…

Ron: …

*pause*

Ron: Ooooh Scarl, that top really brings out your eyes!

Scarlett: …My top is black…

Ron: Have I mentioned it looks good?

Scarlett: …yes….

Ron: Well it really does. You should be proud of your chest.

Ginny: …

Fred: …

George: ...

Hermione: Charming, Ronald.

Harry: …

Pedro: …

Matt *laughs silently*

Jamie *in silent stitches*

Scott: *concentrating and smirking*

George: Ron... We won't tell mum if you tell us which drugs it was you've had….

Fred: Yeah, we swear… But these drugs are having a really bad impact on you…

Ron *Oblivious*

Ron: And Scarly! That skirt just shows off how fantastic your legs are!

Scarlett: …I'm going to sit over here now… Next to Ginny…

*Ron drools as she moves*

Jamie *Cracks up and laughs loudly*

Matt *laughs*

Jamie: Ahh shit... Sorry Scott… Kinda ruined it…

Scott *breaks concentration*

Scott: Aww man! I was doing so well!

Harry: What?

Scarlett: Oh my God!

Pedro: Have you been doing everything with your power today?

Scott: Well it was Matt and Jamie too…

Ron: …

Ron: I don't believe this! Evil arseholes! Scarlett, I did not mean anything I've said today.

Scarlett: Oh thanks.

Ron: Oh no, I mean you look really good and everything but I didn't mean it all and everything…

Fred: That hole's just getting bigger and bigger…

Ron: Yeah…

Scott: Anyways, Matt, Jamie, pay up!

Matt: Hey, who's to say you won?

Jamie: Yeah! You got found out!

Scott: But... But… Mine was coolest.

Harry: Wait, what did Jamie and Matt do then?

Scott: The arm was Matt

Ginny: Oh that was pitiful.

Matt: …

Scott: Exactly!

Jamie: Mine was him being clumsy…

George: Ahh I love it when Mum yells at people who aren't me and Fred…

Hermione: Fred and me.

George: …

George: Get lost, Granger.

Fred: Granger outsmar'ed you!

Hermione: OutsmarTed.

Fred: …

George: …

Harry: Scott won.

Scott: Hah! Pay up!

Matt: …

Matt *hands over money*

Jamie: Aww I was gunna get a hoody with this!

Scott: And now I can and annoy you by wearing it.

Harry: One thing I don't get is that Scott and Jamie, why couldn't you jut make Matt give you the money and convince him you won?

Scott: …

Jamie: …

Jamie: Go away.

Scott: Fuck off.

* * *

**Drop a review? I'll catch it, I promise. **

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's another! **

**Own nothing. **

* * *

Teacher: In fact, every time you hit your head a couple of your brain cells die.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: There goes one.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

*Alex hits Tom's head*

Alex: And another.

Teacher: Alex Rider, what are you doing?

Alex: Just seeing how many brain cells Tom had, miss.

Tom: Hehe.. I is dumb now.

Teacher: …

Teacher: Alex, I'd have thought you'd know better than to deprive Mr Harris from his precious brain cells, as it is painfully obvious that he has so few.

Tom: Ouch…That hurt here… *points to heart* I thought we had something special!

Teacher: You also thought I was pregnant on one occasion.

Tom: Now that was not my own fault. You were a bit bigger than normal that day and clutching your stomach.

Alex: Tom, shut up now.

Teacher: Listen to your friend. He has brain cells.

Tom: Hey! It's his fault I've got none!

Teacher: Mr Harris, be quiet or you get a detention.

Tom: Alex started it!

Alex: He also has enough sense to exclude himself from the conversation.

Teacher: Alex, please influence Tom.

Alex: I've tried… Believe me I've tried… I failed miserably.

* * *

Jamie: So… Who wants to replay the contest?

Matt: You just want to win.

Jamie: …

Jamie: Isn't that why most people participate in these stupid things?

Matt: …

Matt: Shut up.

Scott: Ready to lose again?

Matt: Nope.

Jamie: Nup.

[...]

Scarlett: The school excluded me from the play and from hockey for a whole month, and the tennis courts are still shit! And the school said I need an extra-curricular activity too!

Richard: What are you going to do then?

Scarlett: Well… I was going to give cheerleading a try….

Pedro: Cheerleading?

Scarlett: Yes…

Fred: I know someone who'd like to see that.

George: Right, Won-Won?

Ron: Shut up…

Harry: So when are you going to actually do something we can see?

Scarlett: I'll get back to you on that.

George: Make sure Wonnie gets a ticket!

Ron: …

[...]

*Scarlett cheerleading with a bunch of others*

Jamie *To Matt and Scott*: Contest here?

Scott: Perfect.

Matt: So, tenner?

Scott: Twenty.

Matt: …

Jamie: Oooh, someone's cocky today.

Scott: Well…

Matt: Deal.

Jamie: Whaa? Twenty? Each?

Scott: Yes…

Jamie: Aww hell. Fine.

*Shake*

Ron: Why is that girl dancing on her own?

Harry: I don't know…

Ginny: …What's she singing?

Girl (in distance): A, B, C, D

That's what my school teaches me

Don't go to class

But I've got a great arse

And bloody hell have you seen my knee?

Ron: …

Pedro: …

Richard: What the fuck?

Matt *To Jamie*: Not bad, not bad…

Scott: Eh… What's with the rhyme?

Jamie: …I'm not good with poems…

Matt: You don't say…

[...]

*Cheerleaders on break*

*Scarlett rejoins friends*

Scarlett *breathless and excited*: Ron! Don't you love it?

Ron *slightly scared*: Love what?

Scarlett: My dancing! I practised specially.

Ron: Oh no, I can tell. Um, you're brilliant.

Fred: ...That's what she said.

George: I was going to say that…

Fred: Yes, but I beat you to it.

Hermione: Two idiots share but a thought between them.

George: Hermione…

Fred: Are you feeling alright?

George: 'Cause we could have sworn-

Fred: -You just told a joke.

Hermione: …

Scarlett *breathless and flirty*: So Ron, do you like the game?

Ron: Yeah, um, it's good…

Scarlett: And my new outfit? *twirls*

Ron: Um, yeah, you look amazing…

Scarlett *blushing* Oh thank you! I loved it too!

Ron: …Good…

Scarlett: Oh no, I've got to go back. Hey, cheer for me, right Ronnie?

Ron: …Right…

*Scarlett goes*

Ron: …Did she just call me Ronnie?

*Fred and George laugh*

*aside*

Matt: Scott, seriously, what is it with you and meddling with Scarlett and Ron?

Scott: Ron can't be with Ginny, they're related.

Jamie: And what about Hermione?

Scott: She'd love it.

Matt: …Fair enough…

[...]

*Cheerleaders in human pyramid*

*Cheerleaders move to a 3D W*

* " " 3D I*

* " " 3D L*

* " " 3D D"

* " " 3D C*

* " " 3D A*

* " " 3D T*

* " " 3D S*

Richard: That's bloody good!

Ron: Wow…

Ginny: How the hell are they doing that without magic?

Matt *whistles quietly*

Hermione: Am I the only one who's realised that the team _aren't _called the wildcats?

Matt *blinks*

*Cheerleaders fall*

Scott *to Matt*: You lose.

Jamie *sings*: Fail!

Matt: Fine… Here Jamie, £20.

Scott: Hey, who says he's won?

Matt: Me.

Jamie: Me.

Scott: …

*Scott hands £20 note over*

* * *

Scott: So seriously, you're scared of a man who couldn't kill a baby?

Harry: …

Ron: …

Hermione: …

Fred & George: …

Ginny: …

George: It does seem slightly stupid now…

Alex: Yeah, I think I would be more scared of constipation…

Harry: I don't know how to come back to that…

Jamie: …And the magics are out of the contest!

Harry: …

* * *

Fred: Hey Remus! Birthday today, right?

Lupin: Yes… How or why did you remember?

George: It's because we're lovely people.

Lupin: …

Lupin: No, seriously.

Fred: We wrote it in our calendar.

*Holds up calendar – Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes presents… the Crafty Calendar! If you've forgotten something, it'll find you! (Side effects may include broken bones, vomiting, loss of organs, hairloss, nosebleeds)*

George: Anyway, after a couple of broken noses and concussions-

Fred: -George, we've got to put them on the side effects list too.

George: Oh yeah… forgot about them…

Fred: Well after all of that, we realised it was in fact your birthday today.

George: And we got you a present.

*George holds up flea collar*

Fred: 'Cause you can never be too careful.

George: And mum will kill you if you get fleas everywhere.

Lupin: …

Lupin: Go.

George: No Remus, that's the wrong way around. It's the _human _who gives the orders.

Fred: Like stay.

Lupin: …

George: Ooh look, you're good.

Fred: …That's what she said. Oh, and on that note…

*Picks up box of puppies*

Fred: Seems like you've had a good night out, mate.

Lupin: Go before I kill you.

George: Bad Remus.

Fred: Hey! Don't you threaten people around your children!

Lupin: They're not my kids- puppies, whatever!

Ginny: You have kids, Remus?

Lupin: NO I BLOODY WELL DON'T HAVE KIDS!

Ginny: Hey, chillax, just asking…

Fred: Remus, I think someone needs a bit of N-E-U-T-E-R-I-N-G.

George: Yep. We don't want any more of these little treasures running about. What would Tonks say?

Lupin: Oh my God! Shut up!

Fred: Ooh George, I think it's his time of the month.

Lupin: …

Lupin: I have new found respect for your mother.

* * *

[Pedro is writing something]:

*Jamie enters*

Jamie: Hey, what's this?

Pedro: No Scott, don't touch that!

Jamie: …

Jamie: I'm Jamie.

Pedro: …

Pedro: No Jamie, don't touch that!

Jamie: Why?

Pedro: It doesn't matter.

Jamie: Oooh, Pedro, what is it?

Pedro: …

Pedro: Jamie, go away now.

Jamie: Not until you tell me what it is.

Pedro: No.

Jamie: Then get used to me being in your life for a long time.

Pedro: …

*Harry runs in*

Harry: Hey guys!

Jamie: Hey, can I try your wand?

Harry: …if you must…

*Jamie flicks it*

*Sparks fly*

*Sparks light Pedro's written-on paper*

*Metaphorical sparks fly*

*Pedro rants in Spanish*

Jamie *to Harry*: What are the chances that he's thanking me?

Harry: Below zero.

Pedro: Bastard!

Jamie: Well, I understood that… and it's probably true…

Pedro: Yes, now go away!

Jamie: Sorry, sorry…

* * *

**Feedback?**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I own zilch. Honestly. Nothing is mine. I do not tell a lie. Neither is this sarcasm.**

**The second one (most funny in my opinion) is not actually mine. The humorous line was actually said by my brother's very witty friend.**

**You may have heard, or then again, you may have not. Or you may or may not have experienced it yourself. But yes, recently I can't review-reply, I'm sorry. So… (and sorry if the reply actually did come through xD)**

**Lonely Traveller: Haha, ta xD I will. I know a few people who would actually kill me… **

**xjessix kisses hah hah moo moo: Thanks for both reviews xD. Yeah… I was thinking something like the size of the whirlpool the kraken makes in Pirates o the Caribbean… xD And that is kinda now my trademark thing. xD**

* * *

[Alex's funeral]:

Jack *to MI6*: Lousy bastards! I blame you!

Mrs Jones: We're sorry for your loss. Alex was a great asset to our country. Peppermint?

Jack: ...

Jack: Go.

Scorpia person: I'm annoyed that it wasn't us who killed him...

Snakehead: Yup. Embarrassing, really.

Big Circle: I know! I mean, there's, like, eight criminal organisations out to kill him and he dies from swine flu.

New psycho maniac: I'll be fine. No embarrassment for me!

Snakehead: ...

Scorpia: ...

Big Circle: ...

Snakehead: There'll be another irritating kid.

Scorpia: ...with weirdly good skills.

Big Circle: And next to no social life.

Scorpia: How does that help?

Big Circle: Not good for the ol' self esteem. All the more likely the next'll top himself.

Snakehead: They'll probably make more though.

Scorpia: Parents'll have to be going at it like rabbits...

Big Circle: Yeah, thanks for that...

Snakehead: I figured from different parents...

Psycho maniac: Kill all adults in Britain.

Snakehead: ...

Scorpia: ...

Big Circle: ...

Scorpia: Bit violent...

Maniac: Well I am an evil psycho maniac...Kinda comes with the territory.

Scorpia: Oh to be young, ruthless and full of energy…

Scorpia: Am I old?

Big Circle: What?

Snakehead: …

Snakehead: No, of course not.

Scorpia: I feel old…

Snakehead: …

Big Circle: …

* * *

*George nudges Alex*

George: So, you like her?

Alex: Well, she's good-looking I guess.

Fred: Hey, she's good-looking, what more do you need?

George: She does need a sense of humour.

Fred: Not for him.

Alex: Sense of humour would be good, but I want a girl who knows the difference between a proton and a crouton.

Fred: …

George: …

Fred: Proton?

George: Crouton?

Alex: *sigh*

* * *

[Harry and Matt fight]:

*Chair flies to Harry's head*

Harry: IMPENDIMENTA!

*Chair explodes*

Matt: HEY! I paid for that bloody chair!

Harry: Hah!

*Knife flies at Harry*

Harry: Flipendo!

*Knife lies at Matt*

Matt: That's a bit violent.

*Knife flies into wall*

Harry: You're the one who threw it.

Matt: Yeah, yeah.

Harry: ORCHIDEIUS!

*Sudden bouquet of flowers appear*

Matt: Why, Harry, thank you!

Harry: Shit… wrong spell…

Matt: Although I do actually prefer roses to orchids…

Harry: Roses? Very macho.

Matt: …

Matt: Shut up.

Harry: Tarantallegra!

*Matt starts to dance*

*Scarlett comes in*

Scarlett: Matt?

Matt: Hey Scarl…

Scarlett: Nice dancing…

Matt: Harry's making me do it!

*Harry's wand explodes*

Harry: …

Ron: Too far mate, too far.

Harry: I'm going to kill you.

Matt: …With…?

Harry: …

Harry: Ron, where did we put the elder wand?

Matt: …

Matt: Oh fuck.

* * *

*Richard shows up with a bag*

Scott: Nice bag… You off out for a night with the girls?

Richard: …

Richard: It's a man bag…

Jamie: And what's that when it's at home?

Richard: A bag for men.

Scott: Uhuh… What's inside? Purse, mobile, lippy?

Richard: …

Matt: It's in the same league as man-scara and guy-liner and shit.

Jamie: You seem to know a lot about it…

Matt: …

Matt: It's Russel Brand you should talk to

Richard: Anyway, I'm out with my friends.

Jamie: A spot of shopping and then dinner?

Richard: …

Richard: No.

Scott: What are you doing then?

Richard: Seeing a football game and then… well, then we're getting something to eat I 'spose…

Scott: Isn't that, well, kinda gay? Watching big sweaty men run after a ball and then out to eat with other men?

Richard: …

Richard: …No…

Matt: Scott, it's a man-date.

Hermione: You mean a command or authorization to act in a particular way on a public issue given by the electorate to its representative?

Matt: …

Matt: No… I meant a social… meeting or something between a group of straight men…

Hermione: Oh.

Richard: I'm not gay and now give me back my bag.

Jamie: Your hand-bag?

Richard: Yes, my hand- No! My man bag! Give it back or I'll tell Chaos and Voldy where you all are.

Jamie: …

Matt: …

Scott: …

Hermione: …

Jamie: Spoilsport.

* * *

[Spying on the bad guys]

Jamie *points*: Shit man! Something's moving!

*Alex directs binoculars where Jamie points*

Alex: Yes, that's bird.

Jamie: ...Oh…Not even like the giant hummingbird?

Alex: A pathetic little pigeon.

Scarlett: Bless.

Jamie: It could have been something…

Matt *points*: Alex, people.

Alex *moves binoculars*: Ooh, yes. Real homo sapiens this time. Hang on, they might be shapes-shifters…

Matt: Might?

Alex: They are.

Scarlett: Hey, what are they saying?

Alex: Scarlett honey, these are binoculars. They don't work on ears.

Scarlett: …

* * *

Ginny: My mum says you learn a new thing every day.

Alex: How dumb are you starting off?

Ginny: You're a bit sarcastic, aren't you.

Alex: No. Everything I say is dripping with sincerity.

Ginny: Was that sarcasm?

Alex: …

Alex *sighs*: Yes, that was.

* * *

*Ginny comes in with low cut top and short skirt*

Fred: Ginny, we are your brothers. Please wear a jumper and put something on below your waist.

Ginny: I do have a skirt on, and tights.

George: That is not a skirt. That's like, a belt or something.

Ginny: You wouldn't be complaining if you saw Angelina like this.

Fred: Yes, but that's Angelina and she's hot and you're my sister.

Ginny: Hey!

Charlie: Fred, George, in the least disturbing way possible, Ginny is actually quite good-looking.

Ginny: Thank you, Charlie.

Fred: This is coming from the guy whose only out of family female attention comes from dragons.

Charlie: Hey! I have a very healthy sex life I'll have you know.

Ron: Too much information there.

Ginny: You know, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Fred: …And then you regret it when the paedophiles come.

*George grins*

George: Literally.

Bill: Slightly inappropriate around our little sister, don't you think.

Ginny: I am seventeen, you know.

Fred: Count up to seventeen and then we'll believe you.

Ginny: …

* * *

**Oh, go orrrrn, review?**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I think JK and Anthony Horowitz would have something to say if I said these were mine…**

**The blonde joke is from a friend (who is blonde, coincidentally, both physically and at heart), who got it from Twilight. Just so you know…**

* * *

Ginny: Hey, Jamie, what's that?

Alex: It's called a book. That's B-O-O-K.

Ginny: Ha-ha.

Hermione: …What actually is the book? Will I have read it?

Jamie: You haven't.

Hermione: How do you know?

Jamie: It says here, look: "This book, Jamie said, is called Harry Potter and the Amazing Muggle Friends, which Hermione had never read. She was slightly shocked that Jamie was reading something she'd never even heard of."

Hermione: I... What?

Scott: Apparently it's a book of all this…

Jamie: "Scott asked Jamie about the book telepathically. Jamie replied that he had no idea what the book was, but it was pretty damn cool."

Ginny: It's rude to keep people out of conversations.

Scott: …

Jamie: "Then Matt entered the room," *Matt enters* "saying 'What the hell are you doing?'"

Matt *at the same time Jamie says it*: What the hell are you doing?

Jamie: "Hermione took pity on him, he _was_ rather good looking after all. She explained to him about the book."

Hermione *blushes*: Um… Yeah… the book is about us and right now…

Jamie: "Matt blushed too, and then he said 'Are you going to keep doing that?'"

Matt *at the same time Jamie says it*: Are you going to keep doing that?

Jamie: " 'Yes', replied Jamie. And then Richard entered the room with a slight hangover, thinking deeply about a few hot young women he'd seen the previous night. He blushed when everyone looked at him, and left the room."

Alex: I've had enough of this.

Jamie: "Alex said, and reached forward and grabbed the book-" Hey! I was reading that!

Ginny: We know.

Alex: "Alex read the book, and decided it was an annoying load of crap. And chucked it out the window."

Jamie: I was enjoying that…

Alex: We weren't.

Jamie: Oh Alex, I skipped ahead and found when you die.

Alex: …

Alex: Great…

Jamie: Yeah… You get in an accident.

Alex: I don't-

Jamie: There's a motorbike involved.

Alex: -Really-

Jamie: And a gas truck.

Alex: -Need to-

Jamie: And you'll be sixteen.

Alex: -Know-

Jamie: And five months and two weeks and a day.

Alex *sigh*: -…when.

*Scarlett and Ginny look at each other*

Ginny and Scarlett: FUNERAL PLANNING!

Alex: …

* * *

Matt: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?

Alex: …

Ron: Ooh, don't know.

Matt: Shine a torch through their ears.

Ron: Hah!

Alex: Hilarious.

Ron: Haha, you're blonde.

Alex: You have this incredible ability to state the obvious. You could totally get a Ph.D. in that, no problem!

Matt: Yeah, and you'd fail miserably, you blonde idiot.

Alex: This _idiot_ saved the world about seven times.

Ron: Are we really going to get back into the I've-saved-the-world-more-than-you argument, _again_?

Matt: Shut up, carrot.

Ron: Hey!

Alex: How very cutting.

Matt: Yeah, well how do you drown a blonde?

Ron: Oooh, I know this! Agumenti?

Matt: …

Matt: …Put a mirror at the bottom of a lake…

Ron: Ohh… Hey, that's funny!

Matt: Yes, it was meant to be.

*Alex sighs*

Alex: What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?

Matt: I dunno…

Alex: A black-haired guy who's told too many blonde jokes.

Matt: Was that a threat?

Alex: Yes.

(Suggestion from Stewie! Sorry, it kind of failed xD)

* * *

Jamie: So you've time travelled too?

Hermione: Yes, with a Time-Turner. Really effective.

Jamie: Hah! Time-Turner? How pathetic!

Hermione: And how would you do it then?

Jamie: Simple! Get shot and follow an eagle.

Hermione: …

Hermione: What?

Jamie: Uhuh. Worked perfectly. Only… getting shot did sting a little.

Hermione: A little?

Jamie: Yeah… can you imagine a small metal thing smashing into your arm at, like, 300 miles per hour?

Hermione: Actually at 3, 355 mph.

Jamie: Whatever. So imagine it. And then imagine it on your back. Hurts, don't it?

Hermione: Yes… I'll stick with my Time-Turner.

Jamie: Eh… Pathetic! A little pain never hurt anyone.

Hermione: …

(Suggestion from FrauKan!)

* * *

Jack: So I took over from Molly, and decided to cook myself!

Alex: Hmm, don't look quite done yet. Still moving.

Jack: …

Jack: I made your favourite Alex, sushi!

Alex: Oh joy.

Scott: Sushi?

Hermione: Raw fish.

Scott: …Mmmm…

Ginny: It is actually quite nice.

George: Where are the house elves?

Jack: Are you implying there's something wrong with my cooking?

George: …I would never be so cruel.

Fred: But I would. Jack honey, you are lovely and all but this looks disgusting.

Jack: Honey? And why is it just 'lovely'? What about stunning? Beautiful?

George: Jack, you are completely gorgeous. With beautiful hair. You look really hot.

Alex: Are you hitting on my housekeeper?

George: Depends.

Alex: …On?

George: Whether she's taken or not.

Alex: …

Fred: Oi! Where are those bloody house-elves?

Dobby: We are here, good sirs-and-misses.

Jack: Who are you calling Miss?

Ginny: But you aren't married.

Jack: He just assumed I wasn't married!

Dobby: Dobby is very sorry, mistress, only Dobby saw that mistress had no ring on her finger.

Jack: …

Jack: So, Dobby, how are you today?

Fred: Dobby, get your little gang to make us a decent feast, will you?

Dobby: Dobby would be delighted.

Fred: ...So would Fred.

Hermione: Fred! I don't believe you! How dare you mock the house-elves?

George: Yeah Fred, they've got enough problems.

Dobby: No sirs, Dobby is very much a happy elf.

Fred: There we go! Now Dobby, a feast is in order!

*Magical feast is made*

Jack: Alex, you'll try my sushi, won't you?

Alex: …I did.

*Nudges Ron*

Alex: Didn't I, Ron?

Ron *full mouth*: Yeh yeh, 'e 'id.

Alex: …

Alex: See?

Jack: *Sigh*

Harry: Jack, nothing against your cooking and all, but I really think sushi should be left for the cats…

Fred: I've a better use for it.

George: …Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Fred & George: FOOD FIGHT!

Harry: …

Matt: …

Scott: …

Jamie: …

Scarlett: …

Alex: …

Ron: …

Hermione: Oh dear God.

(Suggestion from FrauKan! Again!)

* * *

Teacher: Right, as a fire precaution, we need to practise lining up.

Alex: …

Teacher: So height order, everyone! Tallest as the back, shortest at the door.

Alex: You know, I fail to see the logic in height order when there's a fire. Do taller people burn slower or something?

Tom: Tough luck, Davey.

(Tallest kid in class – Davey): Yeah, but at least the fire-fighters will be able to see us.

Short kids: …

Tom: You'll be sorry when you hit your head on the top of the door and die when you can't get out before the fire gets you.

Davey: …

* * *

**A/N: As always, review and suggest guys! Sorry it's a little shorter xD**

**Eh… I'm sorry guys… These keep getting longer and longer and I hate the long ones! They aren't funny! I need mini one-liners… Help?**

**And now, I know there were a few suggestions I haven't used, but I'll be using them in the next one. (Yes, another is planned xD).**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	9. Chapter 9

**The ninth…! So…**

**Disclaimer: I'm being pressured into writing this ASAP so nothing cool here, sorry. All characters belong to their authors. EG, JK Rowling and Anthony Horowitz.**

**WhoKnows: I'm saving that 'til chap 10! xD ta!**

* * *

*Matt's phone beeps*

*Matt reads text and replies*

Richard: Who was that?

Matt: Oh, just Chris.

Richard: Who's Chris?

Matt: Just some kid in the gang.

Richard: You're in a gang?

Matt: …Yeah…

Richard: I was in a gang once.

Matt: Really?

Richard: Well, it was scouts.

Matt: …

[Slightly taken from Outnumbered…]

* * *

Ginny: Hey! I've finally managed to work this damn thing!

*Points to crystal ball*

Matt: Oh yeah! I see something in there.

Richard: They get BBC from here?

Ginny: …

Jack: Who cares about that? D'you get Oprah?

Richard: JEREMY KYLE! Oh God! "My fifteen year old whatever-Matt-is is meant to be saving the world with four other teenagers against forces of pure evil".

Matt: ... And then Chaos and I can settle it with a yelling match!

Richard: I'll check out the website! *Runs off*

Scott: …Does anyone else see a problem with this?

* * *

Chaos: Voldy, my man! Pub, eight?

Voldemort: Yes, I've had one hell of a week.

Chaos: And what about Scorpia Guy?

Voldemort: Nah, we don't need to invite him. I mean, we don't even know his name.

Chaos: Fair point. Ooh, what about Susan? She's a laugh… after the third drink.

Voldemort: Julia Rothman! We've not seen her in a while.

Chaos: Oh yes, how goes the seduction?

Voldemort *sighs*: She doesn't know what she's missing when she keeps turning me down…

Chaos: Well, you can phone her up and I'll get Susan.

Voldemort: Goodbye!

Chaos: Toodles.

[At pub]

Rothman: …And then he tripped and fell _straight_ into the tree! Oh it was _hilarious_!

Mortlake: Oh my God! *hic*

Voldemort: I know! Jules, that's so funny!

Mortlake: No! *hic* that man _just _stubbed his toe! Hah! Hah! *hic* *sways*

Chaos: Ok, Susan, maybe a little too much booze…

Mortlake: Oh you're sooooo lovely! Caring about *hic* little old me in that way? *hic* *puts arms around all* we should siiing.

Voldemort: …Yes… Let's sing… As all the cool, evil power-hungry geniuses do…

Rothman: Isn't it genii?

Voldemort: …

Mortlake: *sings* I love booze… Chaos loves me…. *hic* let's make looooove under the treeeeeeee… *falls unconscious*

Chaos: Oh dear…

(Inspired by Valentine999!)

* * *

*Alex's phone rings*

Alex: Hello?

Chaos *evil voice*: I know where you are and what you're doing…

Alex: …The same way as a stalker knows?

Chaos: …I'm no stalker…

Alex: Oh yeah? What underpants am I wearing?

Chaos: …Blue.

Alex: Hah! No underwear today.

Chaos: You disgusting boy. I'm going to kill you.

Alex: …I'll put on underwear if you really want me too…

Chaos: Don't you be getting smart with me, Matthew Freeman.

Alex: …I'm Alex Rider.

Chaos: …

Chaos: What?

Alex: Alex Rider?

Chaos *normal voice*: Oh. Woops, sorry about that. Wrong number. Bye!

Alex: …

(Suggestion = Marie Elaine Cullen!)

* * *

Richard: I need a job.

Ginny: Be a stripper.

Molly: Excuse me?

Ginny: What? Richard! You don't have a bad body.

Richard: …Well, I do run every day…

Matt: …

Ginny: Hermione's getting married soon! Perfect opportunity to try out your talents.

Ron: No! That'll traumatise her life! She'll hate men forever!

Richard: …

Matt: Richard, don't be a stripper.

Tonks: I could give you a few moves? Teach you for free if you want?

Richard: You were a stripper?

Tonks: I needed the money. It's a fun job, keeps you in shape.

Jamie: Wouldn't that be a hooker?

Tonks: …

Tonks: I did not mean it in that way.

Matt: Richard, I will renounce all friendship with you if you become a stripper.

George: Hey! My ex-girlfriend was a stripper! I'll get her to get you in contact with people.

Fred: Girlfriend? More the stripper you hooked up with for the night…

George: Whatever…

Matt: Richard, seriously, don't be a stripper.

Jack: Oh my God, at my friend's hen night, there was this stripper with an AMAZING costume! I'll call her and find out about the stripper!

Matt: I will kill you!

Richard: It is good pay… And not the worst of jobs…

Fred: Until you get hired for the same sex. Oh that's horrible…

Ginny: When were _you_ a stripper?

Fred: George said he'd give me five galleons every time I 'performed'.

Ron: How much did you get?

George: Six.

Hermione: How does six work, if it's five per session?

Fred: The second was for a group of men. I've nothing against gays, just I'd rather not strip for them. Anyway, I ducked out and George refused to pay fully. They didn't either, actually.

Hermione: Aren't you meant to get those details in advance?

Fred: Do you really think I listen to that stuff?

Matt: RICHARD! You are NOT going to be a stripper!

Richard: Oh, hey Matt!

Matt *sigh*: Scott or Jamie, tell him.

Scott: Richard, be a stripper.

Matt: Yeah, no longer my friend now.

*Richard takes off tie*

*Tom Jones's 'You Can Keep Your Hat On' inexplicably begins to play*

Matt: Scott…

Jamie: Scott…

Ron: Scott! Reverse it god damn you!

Ginny: No, don't!

Fred & Molly: Ginny!

Scott: Ok, don't be a stripper… just… be you.

Matt: You can't make him someone else?

Richard: …

* * *

*Fred and George leaning over something which is mysteriously crackling*

Harry: Ok, then there's them and the smell of burning, I get worried.

Pedro: Yes, what are you two doing?

Fred: Well-

George: -You remember that time, back in sixth year, was it?

Fred: Something like that. Anyway, the firelizard-

George: –trying to feed it a Catherine Wheel-

Fred: -Was a magnificent idea, if I may say so myself-

George: –Which you can't, it was my idea. We decided it might work better to have a firelizard breed-

Fred: -With an icefrog!

Hermione: And how's that going for you?

Fred: Well…

Ginny: Oh look! Amphibian porn!

Fred: …

George: ...

* * *

Alex: My god. People at my school get geekier and geekier every day.

Jack: What do you mean?

Alex: They brought OCD spray to clean the books with.

Jack: OCD spray?

Alex: The non-water handgell thing…

Jack: How sad.

Alex: I know. But that wasn't the worst of it.

Jack: No?

Alex: …I caught one shining his shoes behind the science block.

Jack: Oh dear god.

* * *

Fred: Right, everyone, we've an announcement.

George: We're moving out. That's why we begged mum for this feast of delights.

Ron: Yay!

Fred: Shut up, you git.

George: Anyway, how about a toast to our friendships with everyone.

Sirius: So just to friendship then?

Fred: Yup.

Everyone: To FRIENDSHIP!

*All drink*

*All spit out drink*

Hermione: Oh god that's foul!

Arthur: Have you poisoned us?

Percy: This is disgusting!

Fred: Well, what did you expect?

George: A toast to our friendship? Come on!

* * *

**AN: So, in addition to all the review-and-I'll-update shit, there's something very important to say. My friend is writing something along the same lines (Po5, HP and AR all meeting) only hers are better and more a story. So read it! .net/s/4444729/1/The_Longest_Short_Story_Ever**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	10. Chapter 10

**Parody No. 10!**

**I've read Crocodile Tears (it's awesome, read it) and I've not put any spoilers in this one. Well... enjoy!**

* * *

Matt: Right. I want to win money this time.

Scott: You sure you're good enough?

Matt: …

Matt: Yes.

Jamie: Enough to bet £20?

Matt: You're on.

[...]

Fred: Hey, Jamie, how about I help you with that competition, and you give me, I don't know, 20% of your profits?

Jamie: Er, ok…

George: Each…

Jamie: No way! 10% each.

Fred: 20.

Jamie: 11.

Fred: 19.5.

Jamie: 10.

George: You haven't got this bartering thing very well, have you…

Fred: You go up, we go down.

Jamie: 9% each. Final offer.

Fred: …

George: …

George: Fine…

[...]

George: Lavender! Ron wants to see you!

Ron: Lavender! You know, your hair is just gorgeous!

Lavender: You really think so? I just got it cut.

Ron: Absolutely beautiful. Listen, you want to go to the cinema with me later?

Lavender: What, really? I'd LOVE to! Aww, this is great Ronnie! Look, got to dash, I'll owl you, 'k?

Ron: Great!

[...]

Lavender: Hey Ron!

Ron: Lavender…hi…

Lavender: So, I've been thinking, we should go see something like Wonderful World?

Ron: …Why are we seeing something?

Lavender: Earlier…

Ron: …What happened earlier?

Lavender: You asked me to go to the cinema with you!

Ron: …

Ron: What?

Lavender: So, you don't want to then?

Ron: NO!

Lavender: Why? Why, don't I look pretty enough? Aren't I smart enough, or funny enough or niiice enouff *cries*

Ron: Oh… erm, no, you're lovely…

Lavender: Then WHY don't you want to see Wonderful World with me?

Ron: ..I'm busy?

Lavender: Busy? Busy doing what? Going out with that Granger, I bet!

Ron: I…

Lavender: I thought we had something SPECIAL!

Ron: We…

Lavender: NO! Go _away_, Ronald Weasley! I don't want to talk to _you_!

*flounces off*

Ron: Whoa… did I lead her on accidently or something?

Ginny: Well, Ron, I'm not sure but maybe _asking her out_ made her think, you know, you wanted to go out with her…

Ron: …

Ron: WHAT?

[...]

Lavender *incoherent mutterings*: mgmmmn….. Ron… mmmmgggm… mbasmmmm…

Ron: Will someone pass me my drink?

*Drink hits Ron on the head*

Ron: Ow! That's really immature, Lavender.

Lavender: What? What did I do?

Ron: …

Ron: Hey, no one can see my shoe, can they?

*Shoe hits Ron's nose*

Ron: …

Ron: …thanks…

Ron *looks around*

Ron *sigh*

Ron: Can someone pass me my wand…?

*Wand pokes Ron's eye*

Ron: OWWW! Lavender, get over it!

Lavender: I haven't done anything!

Ron: Immature cow!

Lavender: Oh, blame it on me why don't you?

Ron: Well, I will-

Matt: Erm, guys? Confession…

Ron: …

Lavender: …

Matt: I was making the objects hit you…

Ron: …

Lavender: …

Lavender: See, I told you I didn't!

*flounces off*

Ron: We were friends!

Matt: …But there was £20 in the middle of our friendship!

Ron: …

* * *

Scarlett: Hey, Alex.

Alex: …

Alex: Er, hey, Scar…

Scarlett: So, erm, how are you?

Alex: …Great…

Scarlett: Wow, me too!

Alex: …

Scarlett: Yeah… that was exciting…

Alex: …

Scarlett: So, well, New Moon's out now…

Alex: …

Scarlett: And it should be great.

Alex: …

Scarlett: You ever read Twilight, Alex?

Alex: No…

Scarlett: Oh….

Alex: …

Scarlett: Jawannaseeitwidme?

Alex: …

Alex: What?

Scarlett: …Erm, do you want to see it with me?

Alex: Oh… erm... I… sure…

Alex: Wait….

Alex: Oh! Scott, have you been controlling her this whole time?

Scarlett *blushes*: Erm…Yeah! Yeah, oh my God, what was I doing?

Scott: …Yeah…All me…

[Aside]

Jamie: So, I was the only person not found out…

Matt *sigh*

Scott *sigh*

*Hand over money*

Scott: Technically, I never really did mine…

Jamie: Shut up Scott.

Scott: …

* * *

Ginny: I still think we deserve some recognition….

Ron: Yeah! Harry's hard to kill!

Jamie: Sure about that?

Harry: …

Harry: Don't you dare, Tyler.

Scarlett: Yeah! Jamie, I'll make daily storms if you do!

Jamie: …

Scott: Scarlett, _mind control_…

Scarlett: …

Alex: So I still win?

Pedro: How?

Alex: Erm… I'm… awesome…

Harry: My FanFiction section is bigger than yours. It's _the_ biggest.

Alex: I…

Jamie: Hah! Got you there!

Alex: And how big's yours?

Jamie: …

Scott: ...thirty…

Harry: Thirty thousand? Well, there's a lot worse…

Scott: No, thirty. Just thirty.

Harry: …

Alex: …

Ron: …

Ginny: …

*insert other non-Po5 character here*: …

Harry: HAH!

Alex: Man, I beat you lot!

Matt: …

Matt: My mum told me I was always special on the inside…

* * *

Hermione: *singing* Hey, hey are you ready to play, let's go and play with the Tweenies – *correcting tune* Tween-ies.

Matt: Did you seriously just correct the tune?

Hermione: What? If I sing it wrong once, I'll sing it wrong every time!

Matt: …

[Right… the Tweenies is a kids program in England for like, 6 year olds…]

* * *

Voldemort: I was thinking… We've all got people to beat, and they kind of, team up against us... right? So what if we did the same?

Chaos: …Team up against each other?

Scorpia: …

Voldemort: No, you fool. Team up against _them_...

Chaos: Oh, that's clever!

Voldemort: I know!

Scorpia: Ooh, I'm in!

Voldemort: Oh… Well… Erm… Listen, I mean this in the kindest way… I didn't really mean you…

Scorpia: What? Why?

Voldemort: Well, don't take this personally… but a fourteen year old has defeated you twice and you still haven't killed him…

Scorpia: …

Scorpia: He's _Alex Rider_…

Voldemort: He's still a muggle who's fourteen.

Scorpia: At least WE can kill babies!

Voldemort: …He was protected…

Scorpia: How?

Voldemort: …With love…

Chaos *sings*: From me, to you!

Voldemort: …

Scorpia: …

Chaos: What? Oh, sorry… I didn't know this was serious…

* * *

Harry: Guess what? Malfoy was hit by Voldemort when he was drunk?

Tom: When who was drunk?

Harry: Voldy, but does it matter?

Tom: Yeah, now we know he drinks and can use it to get to him!

Alex: …By tempting him with alcohol and making him drive?

Tom: …

Ginny: Wait, Malfoy's dead?

Harry: Erm, yeah, think so.

Hermione: It's times like these I want Twilight to be real.

Harry: …So Malfoy could come back and kill us?

Hermione: No… Then he could come back and sparkle!

Ron: …Why do we want a sparkly Malfoy?

Harry: To hang him from the Christmas tree, of course!

* * *

[Matt and Voldemort fighting]:

_*Riiing*_

_*Riiing Riiing*_

Voldemort: Is that your phone?

*Fires curse at Matt, who jumps aside*

Matt: Just ignore it!

*Throws spear at Voldemort*

*_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…*_

Matt: …

Voldemort: That's Bella's ringtone…

Matt: …

Voldemort: Bella got jealous when Suzie and I went out for a meal…

Matt: …

*_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…*_

Matt: Er, that's Scar's tone…

Voldemort: …

Matt: She thought it was funny…

Voldemort: …

Matt: Ginny didn't…

Voldemort: …

Matt: Ginny's is the Zutons… Remember Me… She thinks I'll get with someone else…

Voldemort: …

Matt: …I'll turn this off now…

* * *

Alex: Miss, can I borrow a ruler?

Teacher: Where's yours?

Alex: …Relaxing at home…

Teacher: *sigh*

Alex: …can I've a pen, too?

Tom: Hey, it's ok Al, I've got one.

Alex: Ahh, cheers mate!

Tom: Miss, can I borrow a pen?

Teacher: …

* * *

Teachee: …and so to keep atoms from going straight through one another, we have a thing called the Strong Force.

Tom: So… the force is with all of us?

Teacher: Well, you know, it's with everything…

Tom: So just remember to use the force…

Teacher: *sigh* Every time…Anyway! So, because of the Strong Force, we never actually touch things. The Strong Force keeps space in-between.

Tom: I always knew I could fly…

Teacher: …

* * *

[At battle]

Scarlett: Argh!

Matt: What?

Scarlett: …Nothing…

Matt: …

*thirty seconds later*

Scarlett: Waah!

Matt: What?

Scarlett: I hate you!

Matt: …

Matt: What?

Scarlett: All of you! Men!

Matt: …Why…?

Scarlett: I need to pee! Men can just unzip, women get the undignified process of pulling down the clothes and squatting and avoiding the shoes-

Matt: Please, share.

Scarlett: But I need to go!

Matt: Go!

Scarlett: There aren't any trees!

Matt: …But you're not a dog!

Tom: Naw, she's a bitch.

Matt: …

Scarlett: …

Tom: Sorry, opportunity for a joke there... kind of. Hard to avoid.

Scarlett: I need something so people can't see me!

Ginny: Hey, Scar, you should get one of those She-Wee things.

Harry: What?

Ginny: It's like a plastic tubey funnely thing that acts in the same way your…thing does when you've got to pee.

Scarlett: Give me one!

Hermione: I carry around spares!

Scarlett: Good!

*Runs off*

*Ron comes over*

Ron: Something's not right when there's someone trying not to pee into the wind and they've got, you know… *gestures at chest*

Matt: This marks the beginning of the female world….

* * *

Scarlett: …So someone has to be bait for the Old Ones?

Jamie: I was in the past! Er, in a way, at least…

Ron: I know how to settle this! Hand out, palm down on table. Splay the fingers out, and grab a quill.

Scott: 21st century. Pens, not quills.

Ron: …

Ron: Right, stab the spaces between your fingers, before thumb, between forefinger and thumb, swear-finger and forefinger and so on, and back, as fast as you can. Whoever stabs themselves first loses! And you can have two practise rounds.

*Scar wins both practises*

Scar: This is too easy! Let's raise the stakes.

*Runs off*

*returns with five compasses*

Matt: …

Pedro: …

Scott: …

Jamie: …

Pedro: Keep that thing away from me!

Scarlett: But it's fun!

Jamie: Tell you what… I'll be the bait, huh?

*Hides ink covered hand*

Scarlett: Cowards.

Scott: I'd rather be a coward with a hand, than an idiot with massacred fingers…

Scarlett: Not massacred! Just a bit punctured…

Scott: …

* * *

Tom: So, Al, I thought you were done with all the MI6 stuff?

Alex: Yeah, I am now. Only some guy got in the way. But it's all sorted.

Tom: What happened to him?

Alex: I stabbed him. Fifteen time. In the head seven times, and then four in the face and four in the stomach.

Tom: …

Alex: *Laughs* Just screwing with you. He's fine. Well, he will be when he's out of the hospital.

Tom: ...

Alex: And after they find him a donor.

Tom: …

Alex: And I think he might have mild brain damage.

Tom: …

Alex: And he's getting a pacemaker.

Tom: …

Alex: Luckily it's all on the NHS, though. I stole his money.

Tom: …

Alex: Although he might need it for funeral plans.

Tom: …

Alex: His dog was a bit annoying.

Tom: …

Alex: Fun times!

Tom: …

Tom: Remind me _never_ to get in your way…

* * *

Jack: You know recession…

Harry: How could we not? My galleons are worth so little now!

Jack: …Yeah, well, d'you think Gordon Brown or Obama will be anything like FRR?

Alex: …Who?

Jack: You know, the Wall Street Crash?

Jamie: You mean FDR? Roosevelt?

Jack: Yeah! Him! Anyway, if we had doonboggling-

Scott: -boondoggling-

Jack: Yeah, I'd ace my job! Chasing away the pigeons! I'd get a cat.

Alex: Cats hate you.

Jack: …

Jack: A dog, then.

Scarlett: Ooh, can I walk it?

Jack: It'd get its exercise from chasing pigeons!

Alex: Awww, can't it guard me?

Harry: I'm the one with an evil wizard after me!

Matt: …Who died…

Harry: Oh yeah! Haha, not used to this, sorry!

Tom: I could always employ you to do my homework, Jack…

Alex: Didn't you hear the 'FRR' and 'doonboggling'?

Tom: Eh, she can't be worse than me. What's four squared?

Jack: …A three-dimensional four?

Tom: …

Tom: Close enough.

* * *

Matt: What's black and white and 5D?

Tom: Haven't a clue…

Matt: Michael Jackson!

Jamie: That was shit!

Matt: You make up one then…

Jamie: Erm, why does MJ like orphanages? Loads of unloved kids…

Sabina: …

Sabina: Why shouldn't we love Michael Jackson?

*beat*

Sabina: He's got enough love!

Scott: You're all crap.

Sabina: You do better!

Scott: Never said I could.

Richard: Why is Michael Jackson the modern-day Father Christmas?

Jack: …Why?

Richard: He brings children of the world joy!

Matt: …

Jack: That's not bad….

Alicia: Stop corrupting their minds! My eleven-year-old son is here!

Scarlett: Keep him away from the MJ.

Sabina: Oooh! What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

Tom: Heard it!

Scott: Everyone has…

Danny: I haven't!

Sabina: One's white, made of plastic and dangerous for children. The other you carry shopping in.

Danny: …I don't get it…

Sabina: …

Sabina: Just know it's funny…

[That was for you, GK!]

* * *

[Dinner]:

Sabina: This is amazing, 'Mione have you tried the potatoes?

Hermione: I'm being put off by Ron…

Ron: Wha'? 'Ey're 'ovey!

Sabina: …

Sabina: I see your point.

Jack: Alex, cut up the steak properly.

Alex: …

Jack: It's rude to just shove it all in your mouth!

Alex: …

Jack: Look, I'll do it for you…

Alex: Come on, Jack! I'm fourteen! I can cut up my own food!

Molly: It's always horrible when you know they don't need you anymore.

Jack: I want to have a baby.

Molly: That's what I felt like…

Alex *coughs*

Alex: *is choking*

Tom: I think he's finally bitten off more than he can chew.

Alex: …

* * *

**Voila! Whoa, that took me far too long to write! Oh well… done now. I can leave it for a few months… woops, I meant days, of course! Merry Christmas everyone! Or erm, merry December if you don't celebrate Christmas. And happy New Year soon! Scary thought, eh? 2010! Merry 2010.**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	11. Chapter 11

**…Shu'p. It wasn't THAT long since the last update… and in my defence, I've got GCSEs in fifty days or something stupid like that. The teachers remind us every single day… But whatevs, man! Peace, chill, smoooooth… And you've gotta be cruel to be kind. Bend this to apply to this, please, bored and odd people.**

**And also, most of this was being written whilst watching BBC's Sport Relief thing (and Misifts… xD) during a five hour babysitting stint. And so, it may be a bit off. Hey, at least I didn't include Misfits humour…**

**("Beverly? Isn't that a woman's name? Maybe you were born with both sets of genitalia and your parents decided to sew up your clunge and keep your dick…")**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing. **

* * *

Alex: Jack... I feel ill…

Jack Oh yeah, you look flushed and sweaty

Alex Uhuh…

Jack: and your forehead is really hot!

Alex: Yeah!

Jack: Wait… why do you smell like mango?

Alex: …

Jack: Have you used my body-butter to make you look sweaty?

Alex: …No…

Jack: AND my blusher?

Alex …No…

Jack: …I lost my hot water bottle the other day. D'you know where it went?

Alex: …No… Haven't seen it…

Jack: So you didn't use it to give yourself a hot forehead?

Alex: …

Jack: Alex, I raised the super-spy. Which makes me the master-spy.

Alex: Yeah but…

Jack: You're going to the work Christmas party.

Alex: Awww… But it'll be so depressing! They'll run through a list of everyone who died that year! And they'll make bets on who'll be next! And I'm always the most popular choice!

Jack: If you want to make a quick bit of money, I've got a wide selection of knives…

Alex: …

Alex: Just let me find out Blunt's address…

* * *

Scarlett: D'you know, I'm getting rather peckish.

Jack: Are you now? Jolly good, eh? I'll go toast a couple of scones in front of the fire. Oho, Alicia old chap, have you any clotted cream?

Alicia: I do believe that it is "chapette". I think I'll have a jolly good search about the house for some, I'll put the kettle on while I do so.

Harry *sigh*

Alex *slams cup on table*: Will you stop mocking us?

Alicia: Oh, blow me! That was a shock!

Jamie *snorts*: Don't tell me people seriously say that?

Hermione: I think my grandma says that. My dad tried to once but then my mum said something inappropriate and I left.

Jack: Oh Brits do make me chuckle…

Scarlett: …

* * *

Ginny: Jamie, you look faintly traumatized. What's up?

Jamie: …Me and Sabina-

Hermione: Sabina and I!

Jamie: …You weren't there, were you?

Hermione: …

Ginny: *sigh* Go on…

Jamie: Yeah, me and Sabina were bored so we went on Facebook. We found Voldemort. And… his profile was public.

Alex: He's conceited, what did you expect?

Jamie: No, it's not that. We checked out his photos.

Ginny: Why?

Jamie: Wanted to see if he remembered us. Anyway, we came across some… interesting ones…

Ginny: Specify…

Sabina: Voldemort has discovered Photoshop.

Jamie: Have you seen _Borat? _

Hermione: Unfortunately…

Jamie: Voldemort has his face on Borat in a mankini.

Hermione: Ugh.

Sabina: That's not the worst of it.

Jamie: He found a picture of gay sex.

Sabina: He put his face on one of the guys, with a fitting expression.

Ginny: Shall I get you guys some sweet tea?

Hermione: Sit down, I'll get more cushions.

* * *

Scorpia: So we'll get Alex on the way back from school... or maybe

Chaos: It'll be like taking sweets from a baby, something _some_ of us find harder than others.

Voldemort: He was LOVED!

Chaos: He was one.

Voldemort: He was protected!

Chaos: He was a baby….

Voldemort: He was special…

Chaos: Aww, don't you worry Mortie, you're special too! Now, d'you want to go play in the sand-pit?

Voldemort: …

Voldemort: Go die in a hole.

Chaos: No… then the Five would win…

Voldemort: Welcome to my world.

Chaos: People here are too unfriendly. Can I go home?

Voldemort: Stamp for re-entry?

Chaos: That joke is old…. It was on _The Simpsons_ years ago…

Voldemort: I'm sorry?

Chaos: You know… Nelson says "Stamp for re-entry?" to Milhouse and so he stamps hard on his foot?

Voldemort: No… I actually have a life…

Chaos: …

Chaos: …_The Simpsons_ are the shizz and you know it…

* * *

Scarlett: I can't wait to be sixteen!

Jamie: Me either. We'll take no crap then!

Harry: I think Chaos might have something to say about that…

Matt: Sixteen will be awesome. The first proper sense of responsibility and not needing adults and all that.

Richard: Not that you listen to me much….

Matt: Wha'evs, man.

Alex: Did you just try and be gangsta?

Matt: …No…

Alex: Hah! Epic fail.

Matt: …

Scarlett: You know what's great about being sixteen in the UK?

All: …

Scarlett: We get to use power-tools.

All: …

Scarlett: What, did you think I was talking about something else?

*silence*

Scarlett: Dirty, dirty minds.

Alex: Well, I don't know what they were all thinking but I was getting worried about the idea of you with an axe.

* * *

Matt: Well, it's your funeral.

Chaos: …

Matt: Actually, is it? Can you even die?

Scott: Personally, I think he's gonna have the whole Voldemort-thing going on. Y'know, seven souls or whatever.

Hermione: Actually, he didn't have seven souls he just broke his up into-

Matt: Will you shut up?

Pedro: Anyway, Voldy was defeated in the end.

Scott: Knowing you, you'd go and heal him. Jeez, get a useful power, man!

Pedro: ...You didn't find it such a problem when I healed your destroyed hand!  
Scott: You were being useful then!

Scarlett: Hey! Pedro is always useful!

Scarlett: *to Pedro* Don't you listen to him, Pedro. It's ok, just ignore him.

Pedro: …

* * *

Scarlett: "The Kaiser". I wish I were German, just to be known as that.

Teacher: Actually, Kaiser comes from the word _Caesar_.

Tom: As in Caesar salad?

Teacher: …

Alex: Yeah, they had a health food craze back then and took to calling people after healthy foods after the surge of unhealthyness, during the Queen Victoria era with William Blake supporting her sweet tooth inconspicuously. And Hannibal Hamlin… he was a bit disapproved of, y'know, frowned on a lot. And the immortal Spice Girls looked back on the past with nostalgia and thought they'd take a leaf – or a pinch – out of their books.

Tom: …

Tom: That was unnecessarily long.

Alex: Yet it brought upon the belittling effect well, I think.

Teacher: And a valuable insight into the past.

* * *

Scorpia: Guys! Guys! Breakthrough! This is the best news we've had since… well, since before any of the young generation was born.

*silence*

Chaos: …

Voldemort: …

Giant Spider: Well?

Scorpia: Oh, I got Alex Rider!

Chaos: …

Chaos: How useful. He's not even gonna stop us from killing the world!

Scorpia: …He stops us!

Voldemort: You're human. No one cares about you.

Scorpia: …

Scorpia: That's racist!

Giant Spider: Nah, speciesist. There's a massive difference.

Scorpia: I could sue you.

Chaos: Meh.

Voldemort: Give usssss the boy!

Scorpia: Snake got your tongue?

Voldemort: Nagini and me have been talking and it'ssssss a bit contagiousssssss….

Chaos: I see…

Scorpia: I give to you… Alex Rider! *lifts hood off boy*

Alex: Err… hi…

Scorpia: Alex, we've been wanting a meeting with you for a long time.

Alex: I'm really sorry to disappoint but…

Voldemort: There is no way that you can leave this room.

Alex: …

Chaos: …Did you dye your hair?

Alex: Errr.. sure…

Scorpia: And erm, that scar of yours….

Harry: Ok, I admit it. I got some polyjuice potion and added Alex's hair…

Giant Hummingbird: I believe the time is right for me to say… FAIL.

Harry: Yeah… epically… er, can I go home now?

Voldemort: You killed my soul.

Harry: You killed my mum!

Voldemort: You killed my second bit of soul!

Harry: You killed my dad!

Voldemort: You killed my third bit of soul!

Harry: You killed my house-elf friend!

Voldemort: No! Someone else did that. Personally, I always liked the house elves. They're small and have funny eyes. Now… You killed my fourth bit of soul!

Harry: You killed my friend/ best friend's brother!

Voldemort: You killed my fifth bit of soul/ best fourth bit of soul's brother!

Harry: You keep killing people!

Voldemort: I was a damaged teenager from a bad background. My angst is coming out in the form of killing.

Harry: Get over yourself.

Voldemort: …Get under yourself.

Harry: I'll get under you!

Voldemort: …Please don't.

Harry: I'm glad you said that.

*silence*

Voldemort: Ok, this is getting kind of awkward…

Harry: …

Voldemort: Why don't you go home now? I'll call you a taxi.

Harry: Great, thanks!

Voldemort: You taxi.

Harry: …

(Marie Elaine Cullen!)

* * *

Ron: If you could have ANY power, what would it be?

Alex: Immortality. It'd make my life so much easier, not having to worry about death….

Hermione: But then you don't experience one of the most human time of your life – death!

Alex: I'm ok with that.

Matt: The power to be irresistible to women.

Scott: What age are these women? It's not gonna be like that nineteen year old guy and forty year old woman thing, is it?

Matt: ...

Matt: Ok, to girls my age.

Sabina: Hey! I don't want to be falling in love with someone I don't want to!

Matt: In _lust, _not _love._

Sabina: …

Matt: Besides, what's wrong with me?

Sabina: I… well, I prefer blonds….

Matt: Well, I prefer blackheads then.

Sabina: …

Matt: Wait… I didn't mean like the spots… I mean, black haired girls…

Scarlett: …

Matt: No! I mean…

Hermione: So, who wants a cup of tea?

Matt: …

* * *

*** So, just for those *coughidiotscough*…**

**Queen Victoria = Victoria sponge cake.**

**William Blake = Cake/Chocolate cake**

**Hannibal Hamlin = Cannibal… Ham…?**

**Spice Girls = …Spice…**

**Was that much shorter than the norm? Hey, I updated. So whatevs, mateys. Er, a-hoy and all. Parlilly… parrrr.. parsley, parsnip pans…. Parley !**

**Err, do share any thoughts and ideas… whether it be "this is shiiiiit" or "man, dude, woman person, write more" or "hey, do THIS THIS and THIS" and suggest shit. Bye!**

**Until the next,**

**Cait**

**x**


	12. Chapter 12

**I think FF's gone and done a silly. Now very few of my past chapters have any divisions between scenario. Grr. Looks all funny now.**

**Disclaimer… As if I own this.**

* * *

Richard: Hey, shouldn't you lot be getting ready for battle?

Jamie: We ARE ready.

Richard: You're wearing jeans!

Scott: What's wrong with jeans?

Richard: You're fighting a war!

Alex: Jeans are very strong and durable.

Richard: Jeans! War!

Scott: Yeah.

Matt: Uhuh.

Richard: …

Richard: Are you kidding me?

Alex: No…

Richard: Shouldn't you at least be wearing cheap jeans so they can be ruined?

Scarlett: The whole world will be watching us! We can't show up in Primark jeans!

Matt: Besides, you were the one going on about how you've had those Levi's since you were seventeen.

Richard: …

Richard: Harry, what did you wear when you beat Voldemort?

Harry: Which time?

Richard: Er, any…

Harry: Well, there was baby clothes… a school uniform twice, my sports robes, then my uniform twice more… and then jeans, I think. Jeans and a top.

Matt: ...Show off.

Harry: You're just jealous.

Matt: Of your stick?

Harry: …

Harry: My stick is great.

Ginny: It _does_ emit lovely sparks…

Matt: …

Richard: Didn't need to hear that…

* * *

Alex: Hey Tom, we're having a massive fight, want to come with?

Tom: I'll just check my schedule.

*Opens Radio Times*

Tom: I'm free.

Alex: …

Scarlett: It must be horrible to commit a robbery in a Muslim country.

Scott: …Why?

Scarlett: Well, you point the gun at them, say "I'll kill you". They'll look at you and say, "No. _I_ kill me."

Scott: …

[No offence intended. If this is offensive.]

* * *

Fred: Oi! Alex! I want that five pounds you owe me!

Alex: Yeah, well I want your mum.

Fred: No you don't, she's small and fat. You owe me five pounds!

Alex: Your mum owes me five pounds.

Fred: _You_ owe me five pounds.

Sabina: Alex hun, what are you doing?

Alex: Trying to be like normal teenagers.

Matt: Normal teenagers don't want old women.

Fred: My mum's hardly old… just a little past her sell-by date.

Richard: Right, for this salad I need prawns, avocado and watercress.

Matt: Avocado? Watercress? You posh twat! Just stick with lettuce and tomatoes like us _common _people.

Richard: Who the hell are you calling posh? I come from York, widely recognised as one of the worst places to live. You come from Dulwich.

Matt: …

Matt: Twat.

* * *

Voldemort: So what's on today's agenda?

Chaos: WORLD DOMINATION!

Monkey: That gets a bit boring after a while…

Chaos: …

Chaos: Hit a bar?

Scorpia: We've developed a brilliant new atom bomb…

Chaos: I meant _go to_ a bar. And maybe I can find myself a woman.

Voldemort: And if that fails?

Chaos: WORLD DOMINATION!

Voldemort: …

Chaos: Or maybe just a quiet night in with some whiskey and TV.

Chaos: What would you be if you weren't an evil genius?

Mortlake: Alive.

Voldemort: Mortal… *shudders*

Giant spider: Preserved and left in a museum somewhere, I guess…

Chaos: I sort of meant like, jobs…

Voldemort: Oh. I'd be a snake whisperer.

Scorpia: … Of course.

Giant spider: The English version of the Bogeyman.

Scorpia: Hmm… I think I'd stick with terrorism of some form.

Chaos: Cool stuff… I've no idea for me, though.

Voldemort: Go on, what are you interested in?

Chaos: Causing pain. And misery. And doom.

Voldemort: … be a dentist. People hate the dentist, terrifies them.

Chaos: I don't want people to hate me… just be petrified of me.

Voldemort: Hatred… fear… what's the difference?

Scorpia: If you cheat on a woman, she'll hate you, but you'll be fucking terrified of her.

* * *

Richard: I should get to go first, I'm older.

Alex: So?

Richard: With age comes wisdom.

Alex: Nah, they broke up a while ago. Age comes alone now.

Richard: …

* * *

Alex: The Five and I are going to see a film Saturday night, you coming?

Tom: Ahh, no, there's _Doctor Who_.

Alex: You can't just record it? IPlayer it?

Tom: But afterwards there's _The Living Hills! _

Alex: The what?

Tom: You know… the song thing is *sings* _the hills are alive, with the sound of music…_and there are the shiny red shoes and the lion and the flying monkeys, and the girls all trying to sing and become a singing… girl.

Alex: …D'you mean _The Sound of Music_ – nice singing, by the way – and then _The Wizard of Oz_… so that would be _Over the Rainbow_?

Tom: With the camp guy in a blazer?

Alex: Graham Norton? Yeah.

Tom: Yeah. And then after that there's _Pimp My Ride._

Alex: I thought that was only on those stupid American channels?

Tom: No… quite a common film, dear Al'.

Alex: …what?

Tom: It's a film.

Alex: No it's not…

Tom: Sure it is! It's like, a while ago in America, where these teenagers have a crappy car and fix it up and there's a race and some woman drops her hankie and there's singing and a dance and a guy who looks like Elvis….

Alex: …

Alex: D'you mean _Grease_?

Tom: Oh. Right.

* * *

Scarlett: Is it sad that I've changed the name on my iPod for High School Musical to You Know Them so I won't get mocked?

Ginny: Hah!

Fred: Oh hell yes!

Scarlett: …

Scarlett: Luckily it wasn't me, it was a friend…

George: That's so sad it hurts… *wipes tear from eye*

Scarlett: …

* * *

Hermione: I can't think of anything more depressing than living like Mr Bean.

Jamie: Who?

Scarlett: A guy Rowan Atkinson plays… this man who is quite possibly mentally retarded, lives somewhere with a yellow car, a flat with three rooms and a teddy bear, only a very sad woman as a friend. A single life, basically.

Harry: Be fair, I'm not sure they're all as bad as his.

Matt: Richard, are they?

Richard: …

Richard: I did have a girlfriend, she just chose to be with a responsible and mature opera singer than me.

Matt: And Mr Bean lived in a pretty well-kept flat. Richard believes housework is dusting the TV when it's hard to see the picture.

Richard: …

Scott: Eh, more than Don and Marcie did. It was more let it fester before it left by itself.

Pedro: I don't think anyone can beat me.

Matt: … True.

Scarlett: I feel so deprived by being brought up in a clean house…

Ron: You and me both…

* * *

Chaos: Hey.

Alex: …

Chaos: What's up?

Alex: …

Chaos: Not a talker, er?

Alex: You've tried to kill me and my friends so many times…

Chaos: Yeah… I miss those times…

Alex: I don't. The hospital thought Jack was abusing me 'cause of the amount of times I was in there.

Chaos: Yeah… but it kept me fit.

Alex: And me on my toes!

Chaos *sigh*

Chaos: I don't even know what to do with myself any more…

Alex: Hey, write a book!

Chaos: …

Chaos: That's a brilliant idea…

Alex: An autobiography; that's what people do when they're not in the spotlight enough now! Call it _Chaos: The Thing Behind the Mayhem. _Or _Confessions of an Adult Drama-King. _

Chaos: Have I ever told you how much I loved you?

Alex: Yeah, that's what landed you in prison.

Chaos: …

* * *

Sabina: I think we should get to meet the Queen.

Jamie: I thought she was dead.

Richard: No, we've got a few more years to squeeze out of her.

Ginny: I don't want to meet her, you'd have to be so proper!

Alex: Why would you get to meet her…?

Ginny: The Boy Who Lived's ex-girlfriend, duh.

Tom: I don't think the Queen knows about magic…

Richard: Yeah, don't tell her now or you'll give her a heart attack.

Jack: What do you have against the Queen?

Richard: Nothing… I just don't like monarchy.

Jack: I for one think she's pretty sweet. Bless her, she's so gentle she couldn't hurt a thing!

Richard: Have her corgis died yet?

Alex: I'm making sure MI6 know you've got this vendetta against her.

Richard: …

Richard: I just think she could do more than she does…

Matt: …Like?

Richard: She could abuse her power… make the Prime Ministers beg for everything or something.

* * *

Matt: What's eleven times sixteen?

Scott: A hundred and seventy six.

Hermione: A hundred and… what he said.

Scarlett: Woah, Scott, are you a little maths geek?

Scott: …

Matt: I always hated maths.

Scott: Any reason?

Matt: When we were six… some teacher mocked me….

Scarlett: Why?

Matt: We were asked to pick out the odd numbers up to ten. I said I didn't really like seven… it would keep stealing arms.

* * *

Sabina: I just conditioned my eyebrows!

Harry: …

Sabina: Want to feel? They're all soft and lovely.

Harry: …

Sabina: What?

Harry: …

Harry: You conditioned your eyebrows…

Sabina: So?

Harry: …

Harry: That's just…

Sabina: What?

Harry: …

Harry: Never mind….

* * *

Sabina: Guess what?

Jamie: You're pregnant.

Richard: You like Cameron.

Sabina: Who? And no.

Tom: I've been voted hottest male of the year… again?

Sabina: …

Jamie: What, then?

Sabina: My boss called me a wonderful mirage…

Alex: Yes, I'd like it if you weren't real too.

Sabina: …

* * *

Bellatrix: Voldy, you'll never guess what I've managed to do!

Voldemort: Get the oven sparkling again?

Bellatrix: …

Bellatrix: Actually, I think you should clean up around here! I mean, you're too embarrassed to show your face around so you might as well do useful stuff at home, instead of being on that stupid pomcuter-

Voldemort: Computer.

Bellatrix: -Whatever! You don't appreciate me! AND I was able to capture Pedro.

Voldemort: Oh good, d'you think he'll be able to heal my arm? I hate the scar I've got, it disfigures my lovely flesh.

Bellatrix: I got him so we could win this stupid thing, but I might phone Richard up and get him to take him home!

Voldemort: Honestly Bell, you make everything such a big deal…

Bellatrix: I'll show you big deal! I'm out of here!

Voldemort: Will you pick up some milk while you're out?

*Slams door*

[...]

Bellatrix: Chaos, I heard you needed some fresh blood.

Chaos: …

Chaos: Bella hun, I'm not a vampire.

Bellatrix: I mean you need more new people to join you Old Ones.

Chaos: …

Chaos: We're the _Old _ don't get _new _Old Ones.

Bellatrix: I'll make myself an ageing potion.

Chaos: …

Chaos: Fair enough, when can you join?

[...]

*BOOM*

Voldemort: Hey! Bella, what are you doing?

Bellatrix: Hah! Voldy, I've changed sides!

Voldemort: WHAT?

Chaos: *quietly* Bell's m'dear, technically we're all on the same side against the littlies…

Bellatrix: Shut up.

Bellatrix: Yes, Voldy, I prefer Chaos and the Old Ones. They actually get things done, you see, instead of planning stupid little plots every year and failing miserably!

Giant Monkey [aside]: So now's not the time to remind her of the millennia's we spent plotting…

Voldemort: How could you?

Bellatrix: I'm not staying somewhere I'm not appreciated!

Voldemort: …

Voldemort: No, you're right. I did ignore you.

Bellatrix: So….

Voldemort: Yeah?

Bellatrix: Well, I might be willing to forgive you…

Voldemort: No, no, you're right. Stay with Chaos, he deserves you.

Bellatrix: …

Bellatrix: What?

Voldemort: Well I have been treating you badly…

Bellatrix: But I do forgive you if you want to aologise or something…

Voldemort: Sorry Bells, no one is good enough for me to apologize to.

Bellatrix: Oh. Right. Well, Chaos, I guess I'm with you for good…

Chaos: Oh. Erm, great.

Voldemort: Ta-ta, speak to you all later!

Chaos: Bye!

Bellatrix: Oh, goodbye Voldy!

Chaos: So….

Bellatrix: Yes…

Chaos *whistles*

Bellatrix: Hey, I'm gonna see what they're up to at Scorpia…

Chaos: Oh, good plan. Call me if there's anything interesting!

[...]

Bellatrix *in tears*: So I always thought he had _feelings_ for me! I mean, we've been so close and I'm _so _loyal to him…

Hermione: I know, I know, it's terrible.

Bellatrix: I just don't know w-what I'm doing wrong!

Sabina: Nothing, you aren't doing anything wrong, Bells lovey!

Jack: It's just men. They're dicks.

Richard: …

Richard: In the room…

Bellatrix: And I've made so much of an effort for him! *cries*

Hermione: Oh Bella! It's ok, it will be ok!

Bellatrix: But!

Richard: Don't cry because it's all over, smile because it happened.

Bellatrix: …

Hermione: …

Sabina: …

Ginny: …

Bellatrix: What. The. Fuck?

Richard: …it felt right…

Ginny: Lots of things feel right, that doesn't mean you need to give us them!

Sabina: Time and place, jeez!

Bellatrix: *sobs* I said that to Voldy once!

Hermione: Bella! Oh Bella, it'll all be ok!

Richard: Yes honey, everything's going to be all right!

Ginny: …

Sabina: …

Hermione: …

Bellatrix: *sobs*

Richard: I'm going buy some beer.

Ginny: Buy some testicles while you're at it.

Richard: …

* * *

**AN: Well, another month… or a few… another parody…or a few.**

**Be sure to post some suggestions… and cut me some slack, I had twenty five GCSE exams… three left… then going to Greece… after that, I get to update again sometime! xD Drop me a comment, yeah? Be lovely. If not, well honestly I don't blame you. I'm lazy too.**

**Until the next,**

**Cait,**

**X**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Aha, uh, yeah, it's been over a year? Wow. I didn't really notice that year going by...**

**Just reread them. And wow, you reviewers are wonderfully lovely, because my writing was awful a year ago. And before that. Hopefully it's matured a little. But probably hasn't. **

**I own nothing.**

* * *

[Scott, Matt and Richard are just chilling in the living room, casual as you like, when..]

Jamie: ARGH!

*Up jumps Scott*

*Sprints to kitchen*

*Grabs Jamie around the middle and pulls him to the side*

Jamie: ...

Jamie: Jeez… I was chopping a pepper…

Scott: But there's blood!

Jamie: Oh, right, the knife slipped! Look at this cut! It's as big as a freakin' papercut!

Scott: …

Scott: You screamed.

Jamie: Well, it was painful...

Matt *snigger*

Scott: Shut it.

* * *

Voldemort *on phone*: Hello? National Accident Helpline? Hi, yeah, so a while ago to get my er, _career_ going well, I had to…commit a deed. Anyway, long story short, I nearly died. Compensation, please?

Woman on phone (WoP): One moment please… sorry, what did you say your career was?

Voldemort: …I didn't. It's sort of… something of my own making.

WoP: You're self-employed?

Voldemort: Well… actually, I guess I'm in the ministry. Sorry, government.

WoP: What's your role?

Voldemort: I'm a dork lard.

WoP: …excuse me?

Voldemort: Woops, sorry, you've got me all flustered. I'm a dark lord, actually. THE Dark Lord.

WoP: Right… what were you doing when you er, nearly died?

Voldemort: Committing a deed to a baby.

WoP: …

Voldemort: No, no that came out all wrong. I er, was preventing my business from being destroyed.

WoP: By…?

Voldemort: …Killing a baby.

WoP: And you nearly died… how?

Voldemort: …His mother died for him. Bit annoying, really. My whole plans sort of blew up in my face. Well, I say that, it was more my face which blew up.

WoP: …

Voldemort: Yes, so compensation would be lovely.

WoP: …I'm going to have to pass you on to my supervisor…

Voldemort: …

* * *

Scarlett: You've only got one ear.

Fred: What? Where did the other go?

Scarlett: Not you, him.

George: Oh, bloody hell, 'ear-lly?

Fred: 'Ear-lly'?

George: Like 'really' but with an ear...

Fred: That was rubbish.

George: I'm trying to get all the ears I can get...

Fred: Finding them 'ear and there?

George: Ear-ie how they get everywhere.

Scarlett: How'd you lose it?

Fred: Well, you know the expression "he'd lose his head if it wasn't attached to him"?

Scarlett: Yeah...

Fred: Applies to George. Lit-ear-ally.

Scarlett: ...

* * *

Harry: I still don't understand she prefers you.

Matt: Well, I'm smart, handsome, charming, brilliant...

Harry: But I'm the Chosen One!

Matt: Only because some bald guy with daddy issues couldn't kill you.

Harry: But... I'm a seeker!

Matt: Well, go seek-her then. *explosive laughter*

Harry: That was rubbish.

Matt: *grins*

* * *

Bella: Voldy! Voldy, darling, anything you want for Christmas?

Voldy: Christmas? Pfft.

Bella: You want a llama?

Voldy: ...

Voldy: What?

Bella: You made a noise like a llama.

Voldy: ...

Voldy: ...

Bella: So?

Voldy: ...

Voldy: I'm clearly not dignifying that with a response.

Bella: Oh.

Voldy: ...

Bella: ...

Voldy: ...

Bella: So, no llama?

Voldy: ...

Voldy: No. No llama.

Bella: Oh.

Voldy: ...

Bella: Oh, how about a wig?

Voldy: ...

Voldy: What?

Bella: You know, a wig!

Voldy: ...

Voldy: ...

Voldy: ...

Voldy: ...

Bella: Oh, right, sorry, a _toupee._

Voldy: ...

Bella: Lucius has nice hair, we could model it on him.

Voldy: No.

Bella: Hmm, Rosier? Ok, it could use a bit of taming, but-

Voldy: No.

Bella: Ooh, Snape!

Voldy: No!

Bella: Oh, I'll teach you how to wash your hair, don't worry!

Voldy: ...

Voldy: ...

Voldy: ...

Bella: So, no wig?

Voldy: No wig.

Bella: Toupee?

Voldy: No.

Bella: Are you sure?

Voldy: ...

* * *

Harry: Why are you going out with him?

Ginny: Honestly?

Harry: No, I'd like some more bloody lies, please!

Ginny: Well, he's not so self-involved...

Harry: What?

Ginny: Well, you know, he's still got the whole world to save – the whole world, Harry, not just a country of wizards – and he's ok to date me! He can multitask.

Harry: But... we're meant to have children! Think of James, Albus and Lily!

Ginny: Well, personally, naming your children after your parents is a bit morbid. And I'd never let you name your son Albus! Albus Severus, what a name!

Harry: They're still my children!

Ginny: There's always Romilda Vane.

Harry: No. She says she prefers Ron now. He was in that Ed Sheeran video, so he's now all popular.

Ginny: Well, get in an Ed Sheeran video then!

Harry: I'd rather frolic nude with ponies, though... on the stage...

Ginny: Oooh, I know! Amanda Brockson, she's got a face like a horse!

Harry: ...

Ginny: Firenze! He's SO hot!

Harry: ...

Ginny: Oh, Moaning Myrtle!

Harry: She likes Creevey now. They've bonded over being all dead.

Ginny: Oliver! You won the house cup for Wood in his final year! He'll happily have you!

Harry: ...

Harry: But I don't _like_ Oliver...

Ginny: Oh, that's what I mean, Harry! It's all about you! What if he likes you back?

Harry: But...

Ginny: Just go out with Oliver, stop bugging me!

Harry: ...

Ginny: MATTY! We're going SHOPPING.

* * *

Scarlett: So, really, what did happen?

Fred: He got it pierced and a magpie took the earring. Realised too late he'd got the ear too.

George: Needed an earring aid for that.

Scarlett: ...

* * *

**So, how was it? Oh, cut me some slack. I'm getting more and more rubbish with inspiration. So what if I've had a year's worth? :L Love it if you reviewed. **

**Until the next, **

**Cait. x**


End file.
